Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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