Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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