TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
