why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize
