You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Randomize
