between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
