At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
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She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
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At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize