She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I smell like Dick and happiness
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