I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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