my shit smells like andre
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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