i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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