chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
