I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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