Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?