I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.
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Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
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I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.