She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
