so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
