I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
