he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
It was confusing and full of hummus
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
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