This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Randomize
