Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Gayer than 8 guys blowing 9 guys
wow, that really makes you stop and think.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
