Your face is a jimmy john
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
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