She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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