hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
