I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
