Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Randomize
