batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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