I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
