I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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