i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
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He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
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He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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