He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
