Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
