Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
