Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
