Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
