Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize
