Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
