oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
