Plan B is the new Plan A
Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
