Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
