I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
lol hangovers are for mortals.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
