We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
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