My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Tumblr User Tells Story About A ‘Demon Gets Adopted By A Grandma’& It Needs To Be A F**king Movie
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
20+ Kids Who Probably Didn’t Mean To Draw Hardcore Porn
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?