I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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