I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
