I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
