Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
there was a trapeze. enough said
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
