I was born with a shot glass in my hand
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Randomize
