Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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