walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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