I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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