Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
