Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
